A few years ago, amidst trying to find a peaceful, happy-medium in my relationship, a counselor suggested that I read If the Buddha Dated, by Charlotte Kasl. At first, I was all, Whoa, what? Nu-uh! But when I saw the book on the shelf, it was relatively small, looked fairly friendly and, after shuffling through the pages, didn’t look all that painful to read for a “self-help” text. I bought it. And I’ve read it, over and over again in the few years it’s since made a home on one of my book shelves. The way I read it is interesting though. I usually pick it up when I’m struggling with something in a relationship, and just kind of open it somewhere in the middle. I find useful information in whatever section I’m in, and I read a bit and eventually put the book down for the next time.
Last night, I happened to turn to the chapter called “Practice Loving Kindness to Yourself and Others.” It happened to be a relevant and useful reminder for the evening.
Practicing loving kindness (metta sutta), apparently also known at the ninth Perfection of the Heart, is something I try to do daily. I make a solid effort to not judge others (knowing how that feels–it’s horrible, yet not always easy to master); I’m usually quick to admit if I’ve been wrong or apologize if I’ve hurt (intentionally or unintentionally); and, I treat others the way I would want them to treat me. Of course, I’m not always successful; in fact, many times I just straight up fail. The chapter had some insight to me that was very relevant and a fitting reminder for the contention that’s cast a shadow into my life lately. Here are some snippets:
A new relationship (and old ones, I say!) often tests our ability to be kind. It’s easy to react with judgment or self-righteousness. When we become critical, “it’s time to back off for a moment and reflect so we don’t have two people separated from their hearts.”
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” said Jesus. I’m certainly not a religious person, but I can definitely find value and relevance in this idea. “Instead of pointing the finger,” writes Kasl, “we can look inside. We’ll find that everyone is inside us, because the whole range of human emotion lives in us.”
“Other people are constantly holding a mirror up for us to see ourselves…. If we are constantly afraid of someone being angry with us, we need to look at our own buried anger.” (I think this goes for fear of people not liking us, fear of someone not loving us, fear of people not valuing us–any emotion is interchangeable here.)
When we fully love and accept our self, we rely less on acceptance, approval or weight of judgment from others.
I love this one: “When someone is upset, we can remain a compassionate witness instead of feeling compelled to calm them down; shut them up; fix, analyze, or judge them; or push them away.” For some reason, this line reminds me of a memory. Many years ago, early into our relationship, my then-boyfriend (RB) and I had picked up his son, who was around age two at the time, for the weekend, overnight. I remember getting back home late morning and his son was crying and crying, and RB just didn’t know why. I remember watching him sit on the floor against the bed, holding his son in his arms as calm as can be, asking the toddler if he could tell Papa why he was sad. The toddler replied with a no and tears continued to flow. Papa sat there and just held his son in his arms, saying, “It’s okay to cry.” This memory comes up for me in a variety of moments where I need to be reminded of a precedent for compassion; it was such a beautiful (and sad) moment; it revealed to me at that time not only RB’s ability to love someone deeply but to be committed to practicing what is essentially loving kindness, patience and exemplary compassion for another human being. That moment is an example of the kind of person I strive to be.
A couple more:
“Another aspect of loving kindness is to remember that it’s not being free of imperfections that’s crucial to relationships, it’s being honest about our faults and mistakes. When we accept our humanness we become able to apologize (not grovel) for having been rude, insensitive, or dishonest. Our apology to another is a form of compassion to ourselves because it signifies acceptance. If we are struggling with various fears and foibles, instead of hiding them, we can reveal them, hopefully with compassion and amusement. By revealing ourself we find out if our new friend can join us on the journey.”
Finally: “When you say good-bye to someone or decide to not see them again, remember you are a moment in their story. Make it a story that doesn’t leave a scar.”
